You might think...

...it's about you, but it's really about me. I am very narcissistic and selfish. My thoughts are very rarely about others and even when I am considering how to help someone else, I am usually thinking about how it could benefit me in the end. In my life I am consistently postulating myself for something else down the road. Even as a minister, the profession of self sacrifice, I was always thinking about how things could be use used to my advantage. This is how my brain works. The reason...well that is the tough part. It began as self preservation in uncertain and dangerous times, but it has translated into my everyday life.

I have kept people at an arm's length because if I let them in to deep I might not be able to use them how I need. If you are or have been my friend, I have done this with you. Maybe you saw it, but more than likely you didn't. I have used everyone in my life as a pawn to advance my agenda of self. I am ashamed of this behavior and I would like to apologize to you. I am sorry for treating you like that and I am sorry for not being a better friend.

Yesterday in counseling I was given a homework assignment. This week I am suppose to find a task or service to perform for someone that causes me pain or personal sacrifice. Something that can't benefit me. I am awed at the possibility of doing something for someone else with true intention. I currently don't know how I am going to fulfill this assignment. I have had a few ideas, but instantly I think of how it will benefit me. Even the idea of getting myself well seems to be a motive. I can't turn my brain off. I know when I figure it out I will have taken a big step in getting better. Please pray for me that I can become more selfless.