Waiting

I am horrible at waiting for something. Whenever I order something online I am chomping at the bit until it comes. I check the mail box three times a day. Until my package comes I am consumed by the thought of getting it. I am even worse at Christmas. Not for my own gifts, but for the ones I am going to give. I am so excited about what I have got for someone that I want them to have it right away. Knowing something is going to happen and not being able to effect its timeline drives me bonkers.

I am going nuts right now. I am in limbo waiting for my life to return to normal. I can see the probable future coming and I want it now. I want a good job, a home and my family back. I know that these things have to happen in their time, but I am freaking out. I have been away from the life that was ordained for me for so long that I am suffocating. I want to feel good about the work I am doing. Not just the quality, but the cause. I want to make a difference and be a part of something bigger. I want to sleep in a bed. I have been a guest, more like a locust, in my brother-in-law's house for three months now. I want to hold Sarah in my arms again. I want my kids to fight for who gets to sit on my lap. I want to wake up to the woman I love.

But I am waiting. With no way to hurry this process up, I wait. I am sure this time in my life will prove to be a huge moment of growth and I am grateful, but I just want it now.

Cooking

I remember being very young and having my mom teach me how to cook. I must have been six or seven when she started allowing me to help in the kitchen. Ever since then I have had a love affair with cooking. I remember at eight she allowed me to make a cake from scratch. She didn't even care that I wasn't using a recipe. I was just mixing stuff together. I took what I knew, which wasn't much, and put together a cake. It tasted a lot like chocolate chalk, but it was mine. Cooking is the mixture of science and artistry, both of which are passions of mine. There is one aspect of cooking that I love above all others; I love to cook for people. I am tickled when I get to make food for people and they enjoy what I make. Sometimes it is a new effort and what I have made isn't enjoyed, but it is still fun.

There are few things in this world that we share universally, but food is enjoyed by everyone. I would love to start or be a part of something that combined faith and cooking. Not on a soup kitchen level, something more intimate and personal. If I could pull together these two longings I would be ecstatic. Perhaps I should begin to write some food devotionals. I could form them around ingredients or dishes as a whole.

The ladder

I am terrified of ladders. I can go up one about four feet, but after that I am scared to death. I am always worried that the ladder will either tip back or slide out. Not to mention the lack of leverage that you have on a rung. Whenever a ladder is called for I usually find someone that is braver and more sure of foot than I am. The most confidant I have ever been on a ladder is one a Little Giant and that is only because it was an A-frame and maybe six feet up.

I know there are a few of you that read my blog and most I think read it because they are interested in my life. Sometimes I write about a theological thought and perhaps you read those too. But I am going to ask you, if you have read this far already please finish this entry. I know that it might not be what you came looking for, but it is dear to my heart and I want to share with you my thoughts on the subject. I want to write about my concern for the socio-economic condition in our country.

Last night I was watching American Idol. They were doing their yearly good deed, Idol gives back. It is an opportunity to seem like they are more than just a huge money making enterprise. They were highlighting Africa and Mississippi. It is no surprise to see plight, famine and disease in Africa. For generations we have been aware of the desperate situation in the continent. But the scenes from Mississippi were eye opening. It is astonishing to see that in our country, our own people are living in abject poverty. I began to think of what some people must think when they see these scenes. What would the conservative response be? I can only postulate based on policy, platform and talking points. But I assume it would sound like this: "Everyone in this country has the same opportunity to succeed. If they aren't it is because they have chose their life." I can't make myself buy into this or even understand the logic.

I know many of you are conservative. Some of you might agree with this thought and others might disagree. I want to show you the ladder of our society. The current ladder has five rungs. The bottom two are where over 48 million Americans currently stand. The next rung is where the "middle class" stands. Following there is the small business owner and mid-level executives reside. The top rung is reserved for the truly wealthy. Those who's income is eight figures and above. The ladder is broken and needs some work. There used to be three more rungs for Americans to stand, but they have been removed. The socio-economic system that has guided our country for centuries is capitalism. Capitalism has been tied to liberty and America and if you think of anything else, you are anti-patriotic.

I want to tell you what the world would look like if I had a controlling interest. I am a democratic socialist. I know that the talking heads would have you believe that socialism is a dirty word, but give me an opportunity to share the other side. It would be the fair and balanced thing to do. Mixed market democratic socialism doesn't want to make a one rung ladder as many would have you believe. Socialism isn't communism and it isn't a totalitarian regime. It most simply put is the idea that the general welfare of the people is far greater than the money to be made. Imagine with me what the ladder currently looks like. Rungs missing and ladder itself is in a trench deep enough to cover the bottom two rungs. The top rung is 7-8 feet above the next closest one. I want to repair the ladder and put it on level ground. The rungs need to be repaired and brought within a distance that allows everyone to climb.

The bottom two rungs currently sit below ground level which should be the base standard for every American. Children go to free public school through 12th grade; why not free public college? It doesn't make private colleges close their doors. And will not make a degree worthless just because everyone has one. Education isn't a cost, it is an investment. Imagine if our nation, the most wealthy to ever have existed, was also the leader in literacy and had the smartest individuals in the world. What about our nation leading the way in infant mortality, preventable death or hunger? Shouldn't we want better for our nation? When we put these things first people will have the tools to succeed. I could go on and on, but I won't. Our nation is divided, we are no longer the land of opportunity. Greed has driven us to be the land of the haves and have nots. The love of money is the root of all evil.

Epicenter

Whenever a earthquake strikes one of the first thing scientists do is figure out where the origin of the quake was. This is called the epicenter and it is usually where the strongest force was applied. Knowing where the epicenter was helps people evaluate damage and also understand why the quake happened. It is the place where everyone goes to begin the investigation. All of the attention is directed toward the epicenter.

I have been in full time ministry for almost ten years and one of the attractions, aside from the calling, was my placement at the epicenter of people. The attention that it brought me was alluring and addictive. After becoming an ordained minister that attention grew even greater. I was the Yi Jing, the oracle and godfather of everything that happened in my life. Whatever I wanted happened because I willed it to and everyone was excited to be a part of the event. This type of control and attention is not good for anyone person to hold or wield. I can look back and see that I became a benevolent dictator.

I am learning a great lesson in my place in life. I don't want to be the morning and evening star any longer. There is one alone who is deserving of that role and I am not he. The more I learn of submission and humility in Christ the more I realize that it is better this way. His ways are not like my ways, and that is the best news I could have ever hoped for. I am tired of the limelight and the control. I am laying it down. It wasn't mine to take and I didn't know what to do with it when I had it anyway. Now I just want to be used. Here am I Lord, send me or don't send me; I am content.

Marlboro Ultra Lights and salvation

I have a very temporary job right now working as a manager at a truck stop. It is diametrically opposed to my hearts cry, but it is money and...well that's it really; it's money. One of my tasks is to sell cancer sticks to the overweight, caffeine injected truckers. We sell a myriad of different brands and varieties of cigarettes. One man asked yesterday for 3 packs of Marlboro Ultra Lights. Upon taking them down I noticed for the first time there is a ribbon at the top of the pack that declares "Light does not mean they will help you quit. Light does not mean safer." This proclamation is easy to read for anyone that has 20/20 vision and is looking for it on the pack. I touch about 200 packs a day and just noticed it yesterday.

It got me to think, "What is light about it then?" I am guessing this is another diet Coke idea. You know the one. You eat the double bacon cheeseburger and wash it down with the diet Coke. It makes it more healthy. Now sure, there are some who like the flavor of diet Coke. I am a Coke Zero man myself, but the idea is the same. If you are changing your life by .5% you shouldn't be hoping for a huge turn around. Is it possible that there is someone out there that likes Marlboro Ultra Lights for their airy, smooth taste; maybe. But I am guessing that the majority are buying these because they believe that they are sparing themselves from lung cancer or addiction. Whether you are inhaling less nicotine, tar or carbon monoxide seems irrelevant. The addiction is going to grab you and a lifetime of smoking will still have a harmful effect. I am sure you will do better than the guy smoking camel filterless, but your path is the same.

What about our spiritual life, do you do this? "I go to church every week, so I am doing better than someone who doesn't go." "I don't let the people I hate know that they bother me, I am still nice to them." If we examine ourselves by a movable standard we will always look great. I am wrestling with the idea of faith and works right now. I believe that submission to Christ is all that is required for salvation, but what shall we do with the call to action? The book of James was almost omitted from the protestant Bible because Luther was wrestling with the very same issue. I believe it comes down to this. My soul, until restored in glory is bent toward sin. Totally depraved and unable, on my own, to choose holiness. By His will I am given the grace to acknowledge and respond to Him. In response to Him I will invariably respond to mankind and fulfill the will of God. Chuck Swindoll once said "If I didn't do anything to earn my salvation, what can I do to unearn it?" Nothing, it is a gift of God that comes freely, but it isn't appropriate to relax in faith and be content with a stagnant salvation. Now that I can respond, I must. Ultra Light sin will also lead you away from the will of God. If you believe that God wants more for you than a life of pain and strife, you must follow after Him.

By no means am I saying that I have this idea completely worked out. I have been taught and raised in a denomination that teaches the exact opposite of this theology and have only ever been given straw man arguments against it, but as I read scripture it is this that matches up more clearly than any other idea. I welcome comments and your ideas, but be prepared to defend your position. And as always, let the peace of Christ exude in your speech.

Fliberty gibbit

Ever since I was young I have had a hard time keeping my focus on just one thing or interest for very long. I had a million different hobbies and had so many different interests in toys and games. My parents knew not to ask me for a Christmas list until right before Christmas because I would change my interest so frequently. They began responding to my trends instead of my flavor of the day. As a child I was thought to just be quirky, but as I got older people began to remark that I was the poster child for ADD.

I went to a shrink to get evaluated for ADD last year. He talked to me for 5 minutes and prescribed meds for me. The meds were good, but I was in the middle of a double life and the increased focus was giving me an ulcer. I was only on the meds for a month, but I was able to see what I was like with an attention span longer than a goldfish. It was amazing! I finished an entire day's work in 2 hours. I walked out of my office and said to my secretary "I'm done, what do I do now?" The one down side to this super pill was that it eliminated the creative way I viewed things. I felt like an accountant, overly analytical and bland. It has been my eclectic view on life that has made me who I am.

For the most part I love this constant channel changing in my head. It is great to have such a variety in life. There is now one moment being a fliberty gibbit that has caused me pain and suffering and a sadness that is overwhelming. I thought for a second, that became months, that there was something better than the life I had. I thought the grass was greener, or the opportunity was worth the loss. I was so very wrong. I have never been this wrong before in my life. Sarah and my family was the greatest interest, hobby and love that I ever could have had. I know now that there is at least one thing in life that is important and great enough to hold onto with everything that is in me.

Have the special

I am sitting in my local coffee shop watching the girl behind the counter write out today's special on the chalk board. Today is a chicken caesar salad with a side of macaroni salad. Everyday I sit here I watch as a new menu item goes up on the board and is proudly displayed for the customers to select as their meal choice. The interesting thing about a daily special is that it, even for a second, focuses your attention on something that you may have glanced over before. If left up to us we would order the same couple of things over and over and never branch out. That is a bad thing. Life is more that chicken strips and cheeseburgers.

I am thinking about the restaurant of life that God is running. Jesus is greeting you at the door. The Father is slinging hash in the kitchen and the Holy Spirit is refilling your drink. There is no need to make a reservation; your table is always waiting. The red vinyl bench seats squeak as you sit and the stainless steel trim is shining. The memory of sleeping in late at your grand parents house and waking up to a hot breakfast moves through the air. A marquee style sign on the wall displays the daily special. This special isn't for everyone, it is just for you.

In Bruce Wilkinson's book "The Prayer of Jabez" it says that we need to pray for divine appointments. Asking God to put things or people into our path. I like this idea, it seems logical to me. That we are free enough to go through life the way we wish. Everyday we can order the chicken strips if we want, but we can also ask for the special. Something that God has designed just for us, just for today. Today I am ordering the special, I can't wait to find out what it is.

Boys Town

Long before I lived on the corner of Addison and Halstead I had visited the real Boys Town in Nebraska. It is a non-profit group home for children at risk or homeless. It is a marvelous place with a staff that genuinely cares for children. I was 9 when I went there with my school and saw what a wonderful ministry it truly is and the impact they have there. In the court yard near the entrance stands a statue of a young man with a boy on his shoulders. The plaque underneath reads "He's not heavy, he's my brother." It was the response of the young man to the priest that greeted the boys upon their arrival many years ago.

I was thinking about this statement and what it means to me as a Christian and an American. Should our response to others be about who they are or the burden that we face? Obviously to this young man his brother was more important than the weight he brought to his shoulders. I believe this needs to be our attitude toward everyone regardless of who they are or what they have to offer. I would love to say that I am able to live by this ethic all the time, but I am not; I would like to be more like this ideal.

It makes me think of the seatbelt law. The seatbelt law is on the books for the sole reason because there is a way for people to be safe, but if left with the option they might not choose safety. So in light of ignorance or poor decision it is the role of government to protect the very people that it serves. Very few people enjoyed wearing seatbelts prior to the advent of the law. I remember riding on the console of my mom's Camaro when I was young. Today I put on my seatbelt if I am driving to 7-11. I feel naked without it and I am comforted by its embrace. Someone decided that my safety was so important that it wasn't an option. I know many people that are alive today because they were wearing their seatbelt.

I believe our government needs to be promoting the general welfare of the people of this country, even when they don't want it. Betterment of a people is not a luxury nor is it a choice. It is amazing to me that people would allow another human being to suffer just because they don't want to be saddled with the burden. We are brothers and sisters and need to respond toward each other like we are.

Binary

I have been on several interviews recently where the interviewer has asked me to prioritize a list of to do items. These items usually have to do with the job I am applying for and are industry specific. The things to be done are vague enough to describe in one sentence, but specific enough to give the idea that it is specialized in it's knowledge base. The thing I think is funny about this exercise is that it is built on the notion that one person's priorities are right or wrong when there is no moral or ethical standard. I don't think any job is so mundane that a task can be assessed by the description alone, without knowing anything else about the circumstances. It is the idiosyncrasies that give the scenario it's priority.

Florence Allen, once matriarch of the Farmington Hills Corps, said "Everything comes down to priorities." If I work 40 hours a week and spend 7 hours a week in personal worship; where is my priority? That is too difficult to say, it implies that time alone is the factor that one gauges a priority. If I spend $200 on a Bible and $12,000 on a car, is my priority the car? Certainly not! You can't look at everything so black and white. Life is not binary, it is infinite.

If someone you know has priorities that seem off kilter, try asking yourself "Why are my priorities the way they are?" If you put family first, what does that look like? Is it immediate family or extended family? If you work every minute of the day in order to provide for your family, you might believe you are fulfilling your priority. If you work just enough to get by so that you can spend as much time with your family as you can, you might believe you are fulfilling your priority. As long as you are following after God and not hurting anyone, you are able to live out your priorities the way you see fit. So is everyone else.

Would you notice?

Sarah and I would at least semi-annually go through our kids toys and throw stuff away. This process is needed to ensure that they can enter their room without being buried in a landslide of Mattel and Fisher Price. It is really important to watch your kids and know what they play with, so you don't toss the wrong things. It is also really important throw away all adjunct pieces and accessories. Otherwise it will remind the child that they once had that toy. This thinning of the toy box has worked for us flawlessly for many years. The reason being, our kids have a short attention span and forget about what lies at the bottom of the toy box.

I was thinking, could a person in your life be gone and you wouldn't notice? What if someone you knew was just gone. Obviously this person can't be someone you live with or is in your immediate family. Even if you don't like them, they are too close to go unnoticed if they were gone. But what about someone that you only think of once a year or even less. How long would it take before you were curious enough to look for them? Would you even look?

So then I started thinking; is there someone in your life that even though you encounter them daily, you treat like they aren't there? I think we all have these invisible, disposable people in our lives. In H.G. Wells' book The Invisible Man, the title character Griffin, becomes mentally unstable when he can't be seen any longer. We are a people meant to be in relationship, fellowship and communion with other people. Addressing someone by name or a touch on the arm can bring someone back from the brink. Talk to that person and show them the respect they deserve as another human being. They need you more than you know.

Saying goodbye

I have moved 16 times in my life. At 33 that is an average of about two years in each place. I had three different 3rd grades in three different states. With this much moving you get real good at goodbyes. When I was younger I would tell my friends as soon as I found out. Giving people six or more weeks to say goodbye causes problems. People begin to cut you out of plans and make your departure earlier than it needs to be. I decided to circumvent this phenomenon when I was leaving St. Louis. I didn't tell my friends until the day before I left. I kept it a secret from them because I didn't want anything to change. I wanted to enjoy their friendship for everything it was worth. Whereas I was able to enjoy the remaining time with them, I also sacrificed the proper goodbyes. My buddies probably would have thrown a going away party, but I will never know.

I have had to say goodbye to Sarah three times in my life. The first was when she moved to Chicago to live with her parents. She and Dayton left August 18, 1996, I will never forget as it was the saddest day in my life until that point. The saddest day in my life to date would be the last time I said goodbye to her. Seven weeks ago I moved to the Kansas City area to try and rebuild the life I had destroyed. I boarded a train headed west and left my family behind. I had a 15 hour trip to contemplate the events of the last six or seven months and how foolish I had been. To search myself for a remnant of a soul, to ponder what I thought love was and to mourn my loss.

This last goodbye has been playing out for the last seven weeks and the daily stripping of my self has left me with a kernel of truth. I love Sarah like no one I have ever before and will never want anyone else to fill that need. She is the complement to me, she fills my gaps and loves me in my weakness. She is the first person I think of in the morning when I wake up and she is the last as I fall asleep. Our relationship was the only thing in my life that I could truly be proud of, not because of anything I did, but because of the shear value of her love. I used to think that I would die for her, but now I know I want to live for her. She is my greatest love.