Rained out

Today's blog is cancelled on account of rain.

BOGO

I love to shop! I don't even care if I have money or if I am going for myself. I like to pick out clothing for other people. Just the dream of owning an All-Clad pan or a Shun knife is enough to draw me into Williams-Sonoma. The chance that American Eagle has a pair of jeans on sale or JC Penney's has a cool tie will get me in the mall. So when I see the word BOGO I am very happy. In case you don't know, BOGO means Buy One Get One. The equivalent of 50% off, but with the allure of owning two. BOGO in a store is a good thing.

Two of something is not always good. Take for instance someone's life. I have been living a double life for the last seven months or so. Since last July I have been two people, living two separate lives. The Chris everyone saw was "Captain Chris", the one they didn't see was "Sleaze ball Chris". Only one person saw "Sleaze ball Chris" and that was me. Even the girl I was seeing saw Captain Chris. It is amazing how someone can be fooled into believing that your bad actions are justifiable and even noble. Everyone around me didn't know they were getting BOGO Chris, but they were. I lived like this so long and so well, I believed it was normal and even a good thing.

I had an epiphany this morning. "How can I be made whole, when I want to be in pieces?" I have decided that I am done living two lives. In any form or fashion, it has to end. I will either be proud of my actions or stop doing them. I have no interest in ruining anyone, so I am not getting into the business of divulging other's secrets. But from now on the BOGO in my life is done.

Without class

It has been said of me more than once that I have no class. As well as tact, decorum or gentleness. However, I am a teacher without a class now. I have been in the role of a teacher/preacher for so long that I am now left with an uneasiness within me. I need to challenge and be challenged, I need to push the envelope of orthodox thought. I believe that if you want to truly understand who God is, you have to be prepared to push on the door of heresy. I once had the chance to do that with a good frequency. My congregation was wonderful about allowing me to challenge convention and pose questions that were difficult. They didn't back down either, they would try to answer or reason them out even when they had no clue. We walked through some thorny paths on our way to truth. It made for strong minded Christians. That is always a good thing.

Homer Simpson once pondered "Can God microwave a burrito so hot that he himself could not eat it?" Ok, perhaps not the most profound theological inquiry but it is more than what I see at Bible studies. Traditionally the average mid-week Bible study is a prepackaged study that is made to end in a nice pretty bow. I have never seen someone start a study unless they know everyone will leave with a theological consensus of approved doctrine. Why is this? Why have we made Bible study an indoctrination? Are we so afraid of original thought that we have to settle for this propaganda?

In John 5 Jesus heals a man and tells him to carry his mat. It was the Sabbath and it was unlawful to carry your mat, as it was considered working. I am sure this is what people were taught in their local Torah study on Wednesday nights. However, Jesus spoke against this and postulated a new thought. If we are to strive to be like Christ we must study past conventional thought. We can still study and know doctrine, but it should never replace what Scripture actually says. Scripture should never be subordinate to man.

A new hope

In a galaxy far, far away...well maybe not a galaxy, but Kansas City is sure far away. My home, not the residence, but those who are my family are far away. It is so tough to be away from my children and my wife. It is tougher knowing that my actions are what brought me far away. Had I been stronger, more sound of mind and better prepared for temptation I would be sitting on the couch next to my beautiful wife watching TV. My kids would be playing and telling me about their day. I was supposed to be Luke, thought I was Han and turned out to be Vader. I have pulled the trigger and blown up Alderaan.

My new normal is quite different. I am an adopted member of my brother-in-law's family. Whereas I hold full uncle privileges, it isn't the same. I am missing the touch of my wife, the kiss of my precious Ruby and the increasingly more manly hug of Dayton. One joy that I have retained is cooking. When I lived on my own for several months I missed cooking for loved ones. I tried several times to cook for myself or a friend or two, but it just wasn't the same. Now I get to cook for a family and it makes me happy. The kids don't always appreciate my cooking, but it is still fun. I have people to interact with and give me the joy of family. I am going to church and a corps no less. It hasn't been a perfect fit, but then again; where is?

I have been applying for jobs in the area and have been concentrating on the non-profit sector. I have seen several jobs where I thought, "I have done that and more, I must be a perfect fit." Too many times I get a reply that informs me that they are going in a different direction. Before everything was electronic I could get a job the same day I looked. My personality and charisma is such that I all I needed was an interview. Now you don't get an interview until your resume has wowed them. That is tough when you don't have a college degree. Most times they don't even care what your degree is in. You can apply for a programming director and have a degree in accounting and it is fine. Nonsense! Colleges aren't about learning, they are about grades. Having gone through seminary without reading one assignment I know (no longer proud of this).

I got a call yesterday from the county courts about a youth worker position that I applied for. They want me to come in and take a test next Wednesday. I am so excited! Even if this doesn't come to fruition it is enough to give me hope. Right now hope is as good as a job (less the money). I am sure I could get a job flippin burgers, but that is enough to drive a man crazy. If I don't feel like I am making a difference I will lose it. I need to know that this world is a better place because I am in it and participating.

Sickness

I have a cold. Not just a cold, but the one that invades every part of your being. I have a sore throat, headache, sneezing, stuffed sinuses, joint pain, etc. When I get any kind of illness involving my airway, my asthma kicks up. When I had health insurance I would go to the doctor and get steroids and a neb treatment. He would put me on antibiotics just in case. Within a few days I would be on the mend and back to normal. But now I am just fighting this on my own and am hoping that it runs its course quick.

I wish this was the only sickness I face. The truth is I am much more unwell, but this sickness won't go away. Many people have asked me why I had an affair and left my family. I presume that it is because everything seemed like my life was perfect and what else could I need. Well, this is true my life was perfect. Sarah and I didn't have a perfect marriage, but it was darn good. Sure we fought and pissed each other off, I am pretty sure it was in our wedding vows. But compared to many other's marriages we had bliss. I would say if there was anything that needed to be fixed it was ourselves individually so we could be better together. If you know me, you know my kids are a handful and that being an officer is a daunting task, but even still our family was strong.

The illness I face is devastating to anyone trying to live a normal life. I have been told by a psychiatrist I have Anti Social Personality Disorder. It is something that I realize now I have had almost my whole life. I can see evidence of it when I was quite young. This isn't my excuse for my actions, but it is helpful in understanding the "why". If you care about me and want to know more here is a definition.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Antisocial_personality_disorder

It isn't something that is curable, in fact treatment hasn't been shown to effect the outcome much. But here is where theology comes into play. See, if I am to believe that I am sinning...which I do; then I must admit that I am responsible for my actions. If I am responsible that means I have the ability to not sin, hence I can stop. If I can stop that means I can overcome. If I can overcome, I already have the victory. I have to believe that God can deliver me from this. I begin counseling on Wednesday and I am very excited. I have found a doctor that has experience with in-patient and clinical work. This means he has seen people worse off than I. I am optimistic that he can help me manage my symptoms and help me discover the root cause. I believe if I can figure out where it came from that I can treat that issue and be done with this. Please pray for me as I strive to get better and draw closer to God.

Finish him!

If you are not a video game junky you might pick up the subtly of my post's titles. Both of these come from the popular 90's video game Mortal Kombat. This was a great game. I remember when it came out for home console use. I took the day off of school so I could buy it and play before any of my friends. The gist of the game is you are a martial arts expert who needs to save the universe in a fighting competition. You fight to the death in battles to determine who's world is destroyed...or something like that. I don't know really, I didn't care about plots or themes, I only cared about carnage. See the great thing about this game wasn't just punching and kicking, it was about finishing off your opponent. Each character had a different way of killing his/her advisory. The best one was "Subzero", he had the ability to make ice. But his fatality was to rip the head and connected spine out of the opponent. The body would then drop, as one would expect. He would stand there as the victor with his opponent's central nervous system as a trophy. For a 15 yr old boy, it didn't get any better.

Through this entire experience I have been able to see many people's finishing moves. See whether you know it or not we all have our own ways of finishing each other off. The thing that has surprised me the most is how bloody and violent some people are in there attempts to finish me. I understand I have hurt a great many people and I know that my actions have natural and imposed consequences, but the extent that some have gone to is down right malicious. The thing that makes it all the tougher is these people that have sought to finish me have been the people that have been mentors, pastors or friends to me. It is one thing to be attacked by a stranger or even the person who you have attacked first, but when it comes from a bystander who should be not only impartial but acting as counsel, that is difficult.

The one person who has every right to attack and finish me, is the one person who hasn't. Sarah has shown herself to be a graceful and loving woman. When people were telling her that she should keep me from any money and allow me to become homeless, she did the opposite. She extended herself past the point of generous. When people said that she should limit my time with the kids, she let me in to every aspect of their lives. When people told her she shouldn't ever talk to me again, she called me to see how I was and if I was getting depressed. When people have denied my accomplishments as a pastor and business man and thwarted my attempts to find meaningful employment, she has printed and sent resumes for me.

Many years ago someone told me that when we look at another person as our example we will be let down and never achieve what God wants for us. But we need only look to Christ as our example and we will be fulfilled. Whereas I agree with this, I think it is important to have someone we can fix our eyes on as inspiration. If you don't have this person in your life yet, allow me to make a recommendation. Sarah DiMaso is closer to following Christ than anyone else I know. She would tell you different, but that is one more reason I know its true. While some follow Christ and listen to every word as He walks, becoming great vessels of truth; Sarah follows Him and watches every action and becomes His imitator. If you want to know how Jesus would have responded, just ask Sarah how she would treat the situation and person.

Brutality

Honesty is a fickle bitch. One person's idea of the truth is another's lie. Our court system uses the phrase "The truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth." If truth was an absolute in the eyes of people then why such a disclaimer? Obviously there are many reasons why the whole truth would not be spoken. Here is one such reason: You don't want to hear it. If this is the case for you, then stop reading and go away.

Many people want to know how I am doing, where I am or why I did what I did. I will gladly speak to all of those here, but not for sensationalism. If you are a gossip whore please navigate away from this page. If you want information to tear me down, you should leave. If you are still reading and you want to support me and find ways to help, then welcome friend. If you are my friend you will post uplifting comments or keep your snide remarks and "helpful" criticisms to yourself.

For this first posting I will say I am well. As much as one man can be well who has lost almost everything in life and is faced with emotional torment everyday. Maybe "peachy" is a better word. I am living in the Kansas City area with my brother-in-law and his family. I am currently unemployed, broke and bored. I miss my family more than I could have ever imagined. It is so overwhelming sometimes I can't breathe. If you want to know how you can pray for me these things are paramount. 1. I need a job. A job will give me the money I need to rebuild my life but also a mental outlet to stave off depression. 2. I desire more than anything to reconcile to my family. This might not mean we live together, but I at least want a healthy relationship with Sarah and the kids.