Yellow

"Cowards die many times before their deaths. The valiant never taste of death but once." These words of Shakespeare's have been on my mind. I remember in grade school and even into jr. high I felt like this. There would usually be a girl I liked, but never had the scruff to say anything. So I would try to get close to her or be her lab partner. All in an attempt to feel that my parallel existence was the same as a relationship. I would pain all day long with what to say or how to say it. Should I talk to her in school or should I call her at home. Should I be vague so I could deny it later or go all in and risk everything. I remember one girl, Jackie Hawk, she was in my fifth grade class. I would position myself by her at every chance I got. The highlight of my day once was when I was in the recess line right behind Jackie and got to stand close enough to touch her coat. I was in heaven.

It is amazing that I lived a life that sad. One where I was so unsure about myself and who I was that I was content with being a wallflower. I was so terrified of speaking to girls about my feelings that I would live through the rejection in my mind every minute of every day. I was the coward that died many times before my death. I am sure that some are probably thinking that I should have kept some of that awkwardness with women. As much as I would agree that I might be too brash, I would rather try to reign in my problems than suffer as a coward. As I look around I see so many people suffering in timidity. Friends and family that allow themselves to die over and over again instead of putting themselves out there.

John Lennon said "Life is what happens when you are busy making plans." I think that some have left life and settled for the plan making. Allowing others to live for them, vicariously being their risk takers. The strange thing to me is how someone can believe that being themselves and living the life they want to is a risk. Who cares what others will say and what they think? The fact of the matter is, if you and God are ok with it, then go live. The people that usually criticize other's boldness are those who are too chicken to make a decision in their own life.

Now here is the real question; am I talking about you? But you already know the answer, don't you?

Inane ramblings

Right now I am just in a great mood. I want to talk to someone, but I have no one to converse with, so I will talk to you. I don't know why I am in such a good mood. Perhaps it is the sunshine, maybe it is because I am on my third cup of coffee. Whatever the reason, I am just feeling good. I know what it is, I got to talk to Ruby and Sarah on Skype this morning. I love those girls. Ruby is so funny, she is a ball of energy. She always says the same thing to me when we talk. "Daddy, I love you, but I want you to come home." Most days this makes me sad, but today it is inspiring and giving me hope. She is so pretty, just like her momma.

I am thinking that when I have the resources I am going to get a dog. I don't know what kind but I know what I don't want. I don't want a dog that needs to go for long walks or wants to play all the time. I don't want a dog that sheds its body weight in a year. I don't want a dog that is difficult to train. So, with that being said I am taking suggestions on dog breeds. Either what to get or what not to get. I have been looking at bulldogs and bassett hounds. They seem as lazy as I am and small enough that they won't fill the yard with poo. Perhaps I should look at really small, like a chihuahua. They seem yippee and mean though. I need something that wants to watch football with me.

Does anyone else find that they can work quicker if they have to go pee? When I am doing something and have to go, all of a sudden I am really fast. If sound can't travel in a vacuum, then why is mine so loud? Have you ever wondered if people don't exist when you aren't around? Perhaps life only revolves around you and people have memories of the life they think they lived but didn't. The crazy thing is if God is creating a false construct around this premise you couldn't prove it wrong. Or maybe it revolves around someone else and you aren't really living right now.

So excited

My first year as a cadet I had the opportunity to present to the school body the morning devotional. I had pained over the text that I was assigned and how I would represent it and what to say. I had put together a nice service and even got to use some multimedia. Then came the moment where I was to deliver the devotion. I got up and stood behind the pulpit. Gazed at a room full of my peers and officers. Opened my mouth and said "Grabble hun doze kiddy?" As I stood there and looked at a room full of puzzled faces, it occurred to me that I just spoke gibberish. I was so excited and nervous that I had forgotten to speak intelligibly. I composed myself, joked about my faux pas and got on with my devotional.

I love the feeling of excitement. The tension inside of you as you see the inevitable become reality. To know with almost certainty that the thing you want and have waited for is coming to fruition is wonderful. The important thing that I have learned is that even though you are excited it is vital to not lose your head. Life still has to go on and responsibilities still need to be addressed. I find the balance to be the hardest thing for me. I love to get excited and just lose my head.

Too tough

One of my favorite things as a kid was to play with my legos. I had a lot of legos and they were the thing that kept my attention more than any other toy I had. The great thing about legos is, with an active imagination the play was endless. Most of the time I would just build what ever came to mind, but once I tried to construct the helicopter on the package. The instructions were long and complicated. After an hour of building I wasn't even close to being done. I left that project for something else. Weeks later I came back and finished up the helicopter. The looming dread of the unfinished project was enough to keep me away from my favorite toy.

As an adult, the looming dread of those things I hate to do keeps me from acting in a decisive and purposeful manner. I wish I wasn't so overcome by my to do list and that I didn't feel so out of control. I think I suffer from the same thing that ostriches do. You know, when in danger they stick their head in the ground. Out of sight, out of mind. Except the thing looking to attack still gets me. But hey, at least I didn't see it coming. I know this isn't healthy and that I should be more proactive about life, but I just can't. It physically hurts when I think about all those things stressing me out. So, I ignore them and the bad feeling goes away. Except I am sure it just manifests itself in some other way, but since it isn't directly connected I don't make the same association.

Cyclical cynicism

Growing up I was deathly terrified of roller coasters. Not because I had tried them, just because of their appearance and the screams that emanated from them. When I would go to an amusement park I would stick with those rides that I felt comfortable with such as the scrambler and tilt-a-whirl. These rides were exhilarating but felt so much safer. These rides were comfortable for me because they would travel the same path over and over. I knew that after the first few seconds the rest would feel the same. Round and round got you a little nauseous but it didn't feel out of control.

In this amusement park of life I find myself on the same rides. I go around and around and get bothered by the spinning. For the last ten years at least I have suffered from the motion sickness of a cynical attitude. Most everything in my life is subject to this piss poor attitude of mine where I know better than everyone else. All I can see sometimes is other's failure and the apparent need for my touch of perfection. When you view life from this point of view it is worthless. Nothing ever is good enough and efforts are frustrating. Oscar Wilde said “The cynic knows the price of everything and the value of nothing." This has been my perspective on everyone but myself...of course.

God grabbed me by the shirt collar today in church and reminded me that I am not the judge of other's intentions and that I haven't exactly gotten life perfected. I was thrown from lesson to lesson as the preacher reminded us of the compassion of Christ and how we need to have it as well in our lives. This log in my eye has encroached on my heart and left me with no feeling of compassion or understanding. I don't want to think and feel this way. Lord, take away this attitude and replace it with your heart.

Growing pains

I remember when I was young having these horrible pains in my legs. My mom would tell me they were growing pains. I would lay on the couch with warm wash cloths on my legs and take Tylenol. The pain was achy and sharp. It would last for hours and stop me from playing or doing school work. As a child this seemed to be the worse pain that I could think of. It didn't seem to have any rhyme or reason. It would come and go without any warning. I don't remember when these pains stopped, but I know I was happy to not have to suffer any longer. As I now stand 5'7", I wish those pains would have come a little more often.

I know that my life is in the midst of a growing pain. Although there is no warm wash cloth or medicine that will relieve the symptoms. Unfortunately I have to endure this pain until it goes away. As with my leg pain, this pain will eventually go away. But until it does I have to persevere and know that it will make me the man God wants me to be. As much as I hate this pain and don't want it in my life, I know that the growth is needed. When it is done I will tower over the problems that brought it on and stand strong. I can't wait to see how tall I will be when it's done.

Times New Roman

This blog is written in a font called Lucida Grande. The reason? I hate Times New Roman. Ok, so I am not such a font snob that I could even tell you the difference between this and TNR, but I hate the idea of default. Ever since Microsoft's Word came into our collective life we have been subject to Times New Roman as the standard font of electronic text. For decades we have allowed Bill Gates to select our font. This literary apathy drives me nuts.

Everywhere in our lives we have defaults. Those things that left unchanged, remain as they have been. Perhaps it is the color of your kitchen or the doctor that you see. I know why you let it remain that way. It is easier than facing the change. Perhaps you thought it was more work than it was worth to change. Or maybe you felt default was best because it has been proven. What ever your reason I know one thing for sure; its not because it was your first choice.

See that's the thing about a default. It isn't best or even chosen, it is the fall back. I have never heard anyone get excited about a default. They don't put time and energy into a default and certainly don't stand in the face of adversity over a default. It just isn't worth it. I have heard people defend the ugly color they painted their kitchen because they chose it, but never have I heard someone defend the wallpaper that was up when they moved in.

Defaults are apathy. Life is too short for defaults, go with your first choice. Get passionate about those things in your life where you have allowed defaults to reign. If nothing else, change your font today. Get rid of Times New Roman and go with a nice Palatino Linotype or Franklin Gothic Book.

Should have been my words

I love to read quotes. Some of my favorites come from Wilde, Voltaire, Twain and Kierkegaard. Not just brilliant but witty as well. These men have given us some of the most wise sayings since Solomon. The heading of my blog is adorned with a saying from Oscar Wilde. When ever I read it I always think "Those should have been my words." It is amazing to me how someone who lived long before me can have shared a thought that is still relevant today. Not just relevant, but it could have come from my own mouth.

Today, those who are inspiring words that should have been mine aren't philosophers or theologians in the traditional sense. These deep thinkers are singer/songwriters. Bands like Pearl Jam, Muse and Snow Patrol are writing words that should have been mine. You will often find their words in my Facebook status. Here are just a few:

If we live our life in fear

I'll wait a thousand years

Just to see you smile again
Quell your prayers for love and peace
You'll wake the thought police
We can hide the truth inside -Muse "Resistance"

Practiced are my sins,

Never gonna let me win,

Under everything, just another human being,
Yeh, I don’t wanna hurt, there’s so much in this world
To make me bleed. -Pearl Jam "Just Breathe"

Solomon says there is nothing new under the sun. I couldn't agree more, but I also find comfort in this idea. Not only are these lyrics recycled from a day long ago, but I am not alone in feeling this way. Many before me have suffered in love and just as many have written about how it hurts. I would guess that you have or are feeling the same way. I would be interested in what sayings, lyrics or quotes should have been your words. Please share.

Out for a walk

I find that going for a walk with someone is a great way to get to know them. Walking allows both of you the closeness to have an intimate conversation, but without the awkward eye contact. People tend to let themselves be more open in this manner of conversing. Most of my closest friends have shared their more painful memories while walking with me. I think there is also something to be said about moving while talking. You feel as if you are making progress in a tangible way.

I am reading through John right now and feel as if I am a stride behind Jesus as he talks. Our conversation of late has been something like this. Me: Where are we going? Jesus: Let me show you. Me: But I haven't been following you for a while. Jesus: I love you, if you remain in me I will remain in you. Me: I haven't been living the way I should. Jesus: If you love me you will keep my commands. Me: What are your commands? Jesus: I have only shared one, love each other as I have loved you.

I know that many will argue with me and say that Jesus tells us to go and sin no more. I don't disagree with that, but as I look through scripture I see Him say this "My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you." This is the only He uses the word command. Then He says if we love Him we will keep His command. I know why scripture is speaking to me like this right now. Even though I am accepting of people, I don't in turn show love. If I loved like Christ I would be more sacrificial and less Chris focused. That is exactly what I need to learn right now. And honestly, isn't sin about self; if I remove the self, I remove the sin.

Burj Khalifa

If you are like most Americans you probably don't know the name Burj Khalifa. This isn't a person or even the hottest new restaurant. Burj Khalifa is the tallest building in the world and it is located in Dubai. It is a marvel of engineering and construction. Standing at 2625 feet it is nearly twice the size of the Willis (Sears) Tower. The most amazing thing about its design is that it has to deal with a huge amount of force generated by wind. The ocean wind beats against this building like nothing else on Earth and yet it stands. The reason is because the tower bends. At the top of Burj Khalifa is the observation deck. While viewing Dubai you will be swaying back and forth up to 7 ft from center. If it weren't for this motion the building would snap in half like a dried twig.

Psalm 1

¹ Blessed is the man
who does not walk in the counsel of the wicked
or stand in the way of sinners
or sit in the seat of mockers.

² But his delight is in the law of the LORD,
and on his law he meditates day and night.

³ He is like a tree planted by streams of water,
which yields its fruit in season
and whose leaf does not wither.
Whatever he does prospers.

⁴ Not so the wicked!
They are like chaff
that the wind blows away.

⁵ Therefore the wicked will not stand in the judgment,
nor sinners in the assembly of the righteous.

⁶ For the LORD watches over the way of the righteous,
but the way of the wicked will perish.

The tree that is planted by the water is moist and soft wood. It is able to stand against strong winds and brutal force. Dry wood, that which is thirsty, is brittle and hard. It is easily knocked over at the slightest stress. How far can you sway? Will you break or bend?

You might think...

...it's about you, but it's really about me. I am very narcissistic and selfish. My thoughts are very rarely about others and even when I am considering how to help someone else, I am usually thinking about how it could benefit me in the end. In my life I am consistently postulating myself for something else down the road. Even as a minister, the profession of self sacrifice, I was always thinking about how things could be use used to my advantage. This is how my brain works. The reason...well that is the tough part. It began as self preservation in uncertain and dangerous times, but it has translated into my everyday life.

I have kept people at an arm's length because if I let them in to deep I might not be able to use them how I need. If you are or have been my friend, I have done this with you. Maybe you saw it, but more than likely you didn't. I have used everyone in my life as a pawn to advance my agenda of self. I am ashamed of this behavior and I would like to apologize to you. I am sorry for treating you like that and I am sorry for not being a better friend.

Yesterday in counseling I was given a homework assignment. This week I am suppose to find a task or service to perform for someone that causes me pain or personal sacrifice. Something that can't benefit me. I am awed at the possibility of doing something for someone else with true intention. I currently don't know how I am going to fulfill this assignment. I have had a few ideas, but instantly I think of how it will benefit me. Even the idea of getting myself well seems to be a motive. I can't turn my brain off. I know when I figure it out I will have taken a big step in getting better. Please pray for me that I can become more selfless.

Working out

I love to hate working out. I love the idea of working out, I love being able to say "I went to the gym today" and I love increasing my reps or weight lifted. I hate sweating, I hate feeling exhausted and I hate exercising alone. I had decided last year that running would be a good idea for me, but it also has its own problems. Such as, a man my size puts a tremendous amount of stress on his joints when he runs. Plus, unless you have the greatest MP3 library or a running partner it is just boring.

I was thinking about the idea of working out and what a person is trying to accomplish when exercising. No one goes to the gym to see how far they can move the equipment or to wear down the machine. The goal is personal growth. Isometric exercises are when you push or flex against an immovable object. You can actually build serious muscle mass by just trying to push over a wall. Of course you will never accomplish this task, but that isn't the point. The idea is that your muscles will strain at the force you apply and try to adapt and grow stronger.

Here I am in my life and I am trying to push over wall after wall. I have been discouraged that my walls still stand and look just as formidable as yesterday. It is easy to get depressed seeing these walls stand strong against my best efforts. But then I realized that it isn't to push them over that I strain, but it is to build myself. If I change my goal I am encouraged. So today I am still working out, but now I am not concentrating on the wall falling down, although I still try; today I know I am getting stronger. Push on your walls and work up a sweat.

God the fool

I once owned a mini van that was on its last leg. The tranny needed a lot of work and I didn't have the money. The good thing about the van was it worked well most of the time, but would have little issues. So I took this van to the local junk car dealer and asked him what he would give me toward a trade in. He took the van for a test drive and told me he would give me $1,500 toward a newer vehicle. I found a new car, secured a loan and drove off leaving him with the crappy van. I figure that the van probably died shortly after that and either the dealership or a new owner got stuck with the bill for repair. Not my most shining moment but never the less, I was able to fool them and save my own butt.

This deceptive transaction was only possible because the dealer didn't know about the tranny problems. Had he known he never would have allowed the deal to go through. In our lives there are a lot of things that get slipped past us, but not so with God. So many people think that when an event or situation doesn't go the way they want it too that God has been fooled. When someone doesn't get into seminary or when someone gets stood up at the altar or whatever it is in your life that you believe you know what God's will is for this world. To suggest that God gets fooled or is made out to be the fool would suggest that He is not aware about the plot against His will.

Whenever someone leaves the full-time ministry I always here the same thing from that person's contemporaries. "Oh, that's too bad." It is almost like we have been preprogrammed with that response. It is so common amongst ministers that it might as well not even be said, but it is anyway. This response means that the person leaving the ministry has removed themselves from the will of God. Even though the one sharing the disappointment hasn't spoken with the individual nor have they prayed about the situation, they are mourning. This means the only will for someone's life is to remain in the path that was given to them years ago. This leads to the idea if someone strays from this will, he/she has fooled God and circumvented His will. This of course would completely strip the sovereignty from God and makes God to look like a chump.

I think of people that have left their full-time ministry that they were originally called into and how they are doing. Many of them are well, thriving and still valuable members of their churches. Is it possible that even though someone received a call into a full-time ministry that God will still bless them after they have left? Is it possible that God can still be God if you aren't in that calling any longer? I am challenging you the reader for scriptural evidence of this idea of the lifetime calling. Can you show me where this is in scripture? Perhaps I am just not well versed enough to know. Or maybe we should do away with the "Oh, that's too bad."

The fat kid

Growing up I was the fat kid. Big surprise! This was never more evident to me than recess or gym. Sure I couldn't climb the rope or run the mile, but I still liked to have fun. When it came to kickball teams I was always chosen last. I can remember to this day what it felt like to stand in that line of kids while the "captains" called off their teams. Watching the number of players dwindle down until it was just me. "Would anyone care if I wasn't here?"

For a lot of people the idea of being selected or chosen is an honor, but there are some who concentrate on those who were not chosen. Some how we have gotten the idea that everything needs to be equal. The problem is when we don't know the standard by which things are examined; how can we say if it is equal or not? This is the case with Wesleyan theology of salvation. They have decided that the only way to view fairness, justice or equality is through human eyes. The crux of the Wesleyan argument is that everyone has their chance to pick God. From that point on as long as you can balance your salvation on top of a pole while riding a unicycle, your saved. The "work" involved in staying saved as a Wesleyan is exhausting and scary. I have heard literally hundreds of times "Every night I apologize to God for all the sins I committed that I don't know I committed." How scary! To think that you can miss place your salvation like you lose your keys.

John 6:64-65 "But there are some of you who do not believe...and he said, "This is why I told you that no one can come to me unless it is granted him by the Father."

The idea that we are chosen for belief and salvation is disturbing because we like the idea that everyone is being treated equal. It is ok with us if people choose to go to hell, just as long as it was fair. Nonsense! Who are we to decide what fair or just is? "Where were you when I laid the foundation of the earth? Tell me, if you have understanding. Who determined its measurements—surely you know!" Or who stretched the line upon it? Job 38:4-5

Look at who God was, is and you will know who He is to be. Noah-chosen, Abraham-chosen, Moses-chosen, David-chosen, Mary-chosen. All of these people were chosen by God. Not because of something they did, but because He wanted them. Take Abraham for example. He was chosen and then was unfaithful and lied to protect himself. Did God abandon His chosen one? No, He makes him a great nation. Moses, chosen from birth to be spared from death. Moses brings death to another human. Does God turn his back on his chosen? No!

If it is up to you to maintain your salvation you're are working for it and that is heresy. You did nothing to earn it; how can you do something to unearn it? It comes down to grace. I think people like the idea of grace as long as they fully understand how it is going to work and how to manipulate it. The beauty of grace can't be realized until you fully understand that you deserve death. As long as you believe that God is some how contractually obligated to save you because you have been chanting forgiveness, you won't get it. When you can finally wrap your head around the idea that your best is still crap, then you can begin to appreciate it.

It is in the pit of my despair that I have seen myself for what I truly am. I have seen my true essence and I know how it bothers me; I can't imagine what God thinks. And yet, time after time I see His grace. He has chosen me. I know that really bothers some people, but that is exactly how the Pharisees felt about those who Jesus chose. This fat kid got picked for the team and the captain isn't going to kick me off...no matter how bad I play.

Romans 6:1-2 "What shall we say then? Are we to continue in sin that grace may abound? By no means!" But it will!!!

(Scripture based theology welcome, straw man arguments need not apply)

Morning person

I am not a morning person, but I also would not consider myself a night owl. Truth be told I have a small window of peak usefulness. From about ten to eleven thirty I am amazing, after that it is down hill. Although, with the right group of people I can party into the next day. This seriously effects my hour and a half apex the next day however.

"The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness." Lamentations 3:22-23 ESV

I have been thinking about the dawn of my days. How is God's mercy new in my life everyday? Well I started thinking about the idea of new. New isn't probably the right word. I am sure based on the context that it is "renewed". Otherwise, it would mean there is something new about God everyday and this idea would clash with His immutability. If His mercies are renewed everyday, that means that they have been used up or spoiled. We wouldn't suggest that God has some how tainted His own attribute of mercy so it is easy to conclude that we are the guilty party. How have I pushed the limit of His mercy? Let me count the ways...

Unfaithfulness, it is the defining characteristic of the human nature. When I have chosen to not trust Him or when I have chosen to turn my nose up at His provision; I am unfaithful. Sometimes several times a day I press against His mercy as I repeatedly am unfaithful. But every morning that mercy is renewed and my unfaithfulness is lovingly embraced and my Father's heart is broken for my loss. This morning I am rejoicing in His renewed mercies and resting in His never ending love.