Yellow

"Cowards die many times before their deaths. The valiant never taste of death but once." These words of Shakespeare's have been on my mind. I remember in grade school and even into jr. high I felt like this. There would usually be a girl I liked, but never had the scruff to say anything. So I would try to get close to her or be her lab partner. All in an attempt to feel that my parallel existence was the same as a relationship. I would pain all day long with what to say or how to say it. Should I talk to her in school or should I call her at home. Should I be vague so I could deny it later or go all in and risk everything. I remember one girl, Jackie Hawk, she was in my fifth grade class. I would position myself by her at every chance I got. The highlight of my day once was when I was in the recess line right behind Jackie and got to stand close enough to touch her coat. I was in heaven.

It is amazing that I lived a life that sad. One where I was so unsure about myself and who I was that I was content with being a wallflower. I was so terrified of speaking to girls about my feelings that I would live through the rejection in my mind every minute of every day. I was the coward that died many times before my death. I am sure that some are probably thinking that I should have kept some of that awkwardness with women. As much as I would agree that I might be too brash, I would rather try to reign in my problems than suffer as a coward. As I look around I see so many people suffering in timidity. Friends and family that allow themselves to die over and over again instead of putting themselves out there.

John Lennon said "Life is what happens when you are busy making plans." I think that some have left life and settled for the plan making. Allowing others to live for them, vicariously being their risk takers. The strange thing to me is how someone can believe that being themselves and living the life they want to is a risk. Who cares what others will say and what they think? The fact of the matter is, if you and God are ok with it, then go live. The people that usually criticize other's boldness are those who are too chicken to make a decision in their own life.

Now here is the real question; am I talking about you? But you already know the answer, don't you?