Saying goodbye

I have moved 16 times in my life. At 33 that is an average of about two years in each place. I had three different 3rd grades in three different states. With this much moving you get real good at goodbyes. When I was younger I would tell my friends as soon as I found out. Giving people six or more weeks to say goodbye causes problems. People begin to cut you out of plans and make your departure earlier than it needs to be. I decided to circumvent this phenomenon when I was leaving St. Louis. I didn't tell my friends until the day before I left. I kept it a secret from them because I didn't want anything to change. I wanted to enjoy their friendship for everything it was worth. Whereas I was able to enjoy the remaining time with them, I also sacrificed the proper goodbyes. My buddies probably would have thrown a going away party, but I will never know.

I have had to say goodbye to Sarah three times in my life. The first was when she moved to Chicago to live with her parents. She and Dayton left August 18, 1996, I will never forget as it was the saddest day in my life until that point. The saddest day in my life to date would be the last time I said goodbye to her. Seven weeks ago I moved to the Kansas City area to try and rebuild the life I had destroyed. I boarded a train headed west and left my family behind. I had a 15 hour trip to contemplate the events of the last six or seven months and how foolish I had been. To search myself for a remnant of a soul, to ponder what I thought love was and to mourn my loss.

This last goodbye has been playing out for the last seven weeks and the daily stripping of my self has left me with a kernel of truth. I love Sarah like no one I have ever before and will never want anyone else to fill that need. She is the complement to me, she fills my gaps and loves me in my weakness. She is the first person I think of in the morning when I wake up and she is the last as I fall asleep. Our relationship was the only thing in my life that I could truly be proud of, not because of anything I did, but because of the shear value of her love. I used to think that I would die for her, but now I know I want to live for her. She is my greatest love.