Killing myself

The thought of killing oneself is a sign of mental illness. We are all made with a self preservation instinct that gives us the fight inside to press on one more day. When that innate sense is gone and has been replaced with suicidal thoughts there is something wrong. This sickness is involuntary and needs to be treated, otherwise it will end disastrously.

And yet, we are called as Christians to die to Christ daily. Is this insanity? Yes! This is the legal definition of insanity: n. mental illness of such a severe nature that a person cannot distinguish fantasy from reality, cannot conduct her/his affairs due to psychosis, or is subject to uncontrollable impulsive behavior. I can't think of a better definition for the Christian life. Let me interpret what I see in this definition that makes me feel this way.

Mental illness is when there is something wrong with our brain and the way it thinks, however this is a comparative standard. If the world's secular view on life and self are the standard, then we as Christians are mentally ill. Our brains should be working and thinking differently that the rest of the world. That mental illness is so severe that we cannot distinguish between fantasy and reality. When we lose that grasp on reality we have a peace that passes all understanding.

The hallmark of someone who has died to Christ is that they cannot conduct their affairs due to their faith. In fact we have given complete control over to God. The point of surrender is both the death and birth of the new life. And lastly, we are subject to uncontrollable impulsive behavior. When led by the Holy Spirit we are no longer in control. He prepares the way, opens the doors and equips the journey. Impulsive is the view from the vantage of the one out of control. To us and the world, the prompting of the Holy Spirit may seem impulsive, but it isn't even close to being that way. "For we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do." Eph 2:10 That hardly sounds impulsive, but I am sure it looks that way.

Today I am trying to kill myself. I am going to kill the critical spirit within me. I might not get it the first time, but I am just sick enough to keep trying.


( I do not take mental illness lightly, nor do I think suicide is funny. I have both struggled on my own and walked the road with others as well.)