I wish this was the only sickness I face. The truth is I am much more unwell, but this sickness won't go away. Many people have asked me why I had an affair and left my family. I presume that it is because everything seemed like my life was perfect and what else could I need. Well, this is true my life was perfect. Sarah and I didn't have a perfect marriage, but it was darn good. Sure we fought and pissed each other off, I am pretty sure it was in our wedding vows. But compared to many other's marriages we had bliss. I would say if there was anything that needed to be fixed it was ourselves individually so we could be better together. If you know me, you know my kids are a handful and that being an officer is a daunting task, but even still our family was strong.
The illness I face is devastating to anyone trying to live a normal life. I have been told by a psychiatrist I have Anti Social Personality Disorder. It is something that I realize now I have had almost my whole life. I can see evidence of it when I was quite young. This isn't my excuse for my actions, but it is helpful in understanding the "why". If you care about me and want to know more here is a definition.
It isn't something that is curable, in fact treatment hasn't been shown to effect the outcome much. But here is where theology comes into play. See, if I am to believe that I am sinning...which I do; then I must admit that I am responsible for my actions. If I am responsible that means I have the ability to not sin, hence I can stop. If I can stop that means I can overcome. If I can overcome, I already have the victory. I have to believe that God can deliver me from this. I begin counseling on Wednesday and I am very excited. I have found a doctor that has experience with in-patient and clinical work. This means he has seen people worse off than I. I am optimistic that he can help me manage my symptoms and help me discover the root cause. I believe if I can figure out where it came from that I can treat that issue and be done with this. Please pray for me as I strive to get better and draw closer to God.
I am so glad you are starting counseling AND that you are looking forward to it. There is one person on this planet that I'm completely open and honest with all the time and that's my therapist and it's done me a world of good. It's made me a better wife and a better person. So be honest. He isn't going to judge you, but without your complete and total disclosure, he can't really help you. But you know all that...I'm praying you develop a relationship of trust and openness with your doctor.
ReplyDeleteAnd let me just say, that I do believe you can rebuild your life, I really do. There was a time when I thought life after the Army was impossible, but I know better now...not to say that it's easy in the beginning, but it's more than possible.